About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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