I cannot find my penis.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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