listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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