Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
