remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
