I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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