You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
