My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
