just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
