What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
