Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
