he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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