the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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