You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
