I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just pynch a tree in the face
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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