can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
