she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
