I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
