we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
