The maid of honor just puked.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
