On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
