when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
50% drunk capacity currently
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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