I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
