I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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