i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
