When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
