Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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