this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
ttyl tear gas
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
