i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Randomize
