im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
