T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
