At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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