are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Did I show you my penis last night?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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