Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
