I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
