You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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