foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
two words: eviction party
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
