These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
