It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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