someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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