I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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