i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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