he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
