Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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