There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
