i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So many bounce houses so little time
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
