Yo dont text me then not text me
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
