my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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