Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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