Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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