I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
